Welcome to Weigh in Wednesday!
This week, I’ve decided to first post my current stats — and then launch into a huge reflection stemming from the last few months.
Happy Scale Results:
Now for some Reflection…
A year ago, when I started posting my weigh ins, I was struggling — floundering really. I was 194 lbs (so I’m proud to say that I’m 5 pounds lighter this year), but still floundering between wanting to be on a program (21 day fix or weight watchers or whatever) and wanting to live my life the way I wanted to live. I can honestly say that all that floundering has me back where I started. I want to lose weight and gain health — but I have to be honest with you and myself; I have no idea how to feed my body.
This is where I started in 2011 — a giant realization that started me on this path to weight loss.
- I was over 225lbs — since I was too scared to step on the scale until I had lost some fluff… this “post fluff” phase weigh in was 225, so I had to be over that…
- I was unhappy with the way my body looked and felt.
- I didn’t like the way clothes fit on me.
- I didn’t like the fluffy face that I showed the world.
My reaction then was to leap into a pattern of learn and change. I wanted to learn what my body actually needed to feel nourished. I started researching nutrition, BMI, weight loss information, and anything I could get my hands on. I knew I needed to figure out what to eat and how much my body needed to eat — since I was an over eater (eating until I felt so full it was tight/painful and sickening).
I realized something today that super duper frustrates me — I still have no idea how to feed my body! When I just “wing it” without a plan, research, and forethought — I don’t eat well! Whenever I go “off plan”, eyeball portion sizes, or just give into cravings — I over eat! STILL! YEARS LATER!! Perhaps the takeaway from this is that I will always need to have a “plan” and check my portions. My “default” setting is to self-soothe with food, comfort eat, and overeat. That’s just currently how I’m wired — my default setting.
I feel like I get overconfident at times — and want to do things “on my own” — I tell myself that I know how to eat well. That I’ve learned enough. That I know better. I realize that while I do know quite a bit, it’s not a knock to need a plan/support/tool system. And it’s silly to have a system/tool/plan and to be so overconfident that I neglect to use it!
- The analogy I thought of (since I’m a math teacher and this is a common theme) is a student and a calculator. The student might be really great at arithmetic and mental math… but if they have a calculator – why not double check their calculations to ensure that they don’t make a stray error?
I’m like this student — really sure that in the five years I’ve been obsessed with health I’ve got this down pat. Then I step on the scale and am sad… apparently I should’ve double checked myself using the tools I’ve gathered to support my efforts!!
Lies, lies, lies!!
We all have that inner demon voice that wants you to skip your run or eat three fistfulls of chocolate. This same voice wants to see you fail all while blaming something else for your failure. This voice is a LIAR!
Some of the lies that always seem to pop in my head… VS some of the truths
- I don’t want to have to do this for the rest of my life VS living healthfully has to be learned and reinforced over time in order to become permanent.
- It doesn’t have to be this hard VS it’ll get easier as things become more permanent
- My body knows what it wants, I just have to give it what it wants VS emotional “wants” and physical “wants” are hard for me to distinguish right now…
- Surely just cutting out _____ will be enough to shed all my unwanted weight VS cutting out that food is never going to happen… instead, how can I incorporate it in moderation?
- ___________ agrees with me, that stopping all programs/diets/planning is the healthiest… VS Conflicting research is the industry norm — Listen to what’s reasonable and what works & ditch what doesn’t
It’s not all the same though…
I will say, that I’m better than I was 5 years ago. I’m better because:
- I’m aware… and have the skills and tools available to me in my back pocket. I just have to use them!
- I’m also much stronger than I was… and I know more about strength training
- I’m able to run 18+ miles (Marathon — Here I come!). When I started, I couldn’t run around the block.
- I’m more confident (which is sometimes my problem…)
- I’m learning more about myself — from the inside out
That last bullet is a big one and one of the most influential challenges/opportunities from the last five years. I’ve had health scares, hubby health scares, emotional baggage drugged up from early years, and family drama all bubbling up and being handled the best way I know how.
So while it feels like starting from the beginning — I’m really not. I’m continuing on my own little path – as meandering as it is – and I look forward to what the next five years has in store for me!
So what to do?
I think starting back on my weight watcher’s path is going to work best for me right now. I’m going to remind myself that while I might rely completely on this tool to be successful (like the kid with the calculator who really could do the math on their own), I’d be silly not to “double check” myself to ensure success!
Ensuring success — and learning how to really feed my body.
How are you doing with your weight loss/health?
What reflections have you made in the last few years?
How are you changed (or how have you changed)?